If you haven’t read this, you definitely need to. It’s so hilarious. Made me laugh so hard that I teared up. So well written. I can totally picture this woman and situation. Though I’m sorry for your bad experience at the grocery store, it makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one that walks away pissed off by the crazies you come across at the grocery store. Cheers to getting it off your chest. Hope you feel better now.

An Open Letter To The Neo-Hippie Pile Of Woman That Apparently Had An Issue With My Existence Yesterday

There I stood, with my cart in the toiletries aisle, perusing the body washes and shampoos (all of which were eco-friendly, mind you, before you get your overgrown pubic hair in a tangle over the ethics of my shopping) when you walked directly AT me. It was almost as if you were going to walk through me. Noting your spirit and determination, I tried to move out of the way. I tried to dodge you and your lemons-in-tubesocks mammaries that you had chosen to accentuate by wearing what appeared to be no less that forty-seven handmade necklaces that dangled at belt level. Unfortunately, as is often the case, I tried to get out of the way in the very same direction that you tried to go around me (after realizing that my cart and I were both solid objects.) Rather than waltzing back and forth in each other’s way in the aisle with you, I opted to freeze, apologize (I said “Sorry.”) and let you pick the path of least resistance to your preferred body wash or shampoo.

That’s when you said, “Excuse YOU.”

Now, I’m assuming that you said that (accompanied with a pretty vindictive stink-eye) because I was in your way, and not because I looked at your pancakes for a nanosecond (because I can assure you that I recoiled in horror as soon as they crossed my line of sight. I was looking at the floor for fuck’s sake.)

In either case, fuck you very much.  I hope that the body wash you chose to wash the smug from your myriad flaps and folds gives you a rash that makes your butthole permanently gape like a dead bass’ mouth.

I’ve had some fairly cunty things said to me in my 35 years on your planet, but that was one of the cuntier ones. Probably a Top Three Cuntiest Things Said To Me Of All-Time Ever That I Can Remember As I Type This. It was so cunty, that it’s still gnawing at me a day later. So cunty, that it paralyzed me. So cunty, that even after the numbness wore off, I had to deep-breath myself out of throwing an apple at you.

I hope you do it again, to someone less compassionate and patient than me. Someone that verbally shakes the bitch crust out of your ears and eyes right then and there, and helps you realize that you’re not the only person on Earth.

Best,

R